Aeary and I's Shanghai Semi-mukbang...

The One and Only Boy

March 17, 2017- This was the day my one and only boy was born.  If not for my health insurance and some of my colleague's help, I would not be able to pay for my bills.

Realization

During the time we stayed at his parent's house after giving birth to my eldest daughter, I have learned that they really never accepted me. They just got everything from me, my possessions, and after they got everything, his sister told, me" when are you going back home?" What the ---? I just gave birth. I thought I was going to be able to take a rest but no. I've got a lot more things to do.  So I told his sister " don't ask me about that because it was your brother's idea to come and stay with you for a while."  

I couldn't imagine that I was being chased out that easily. I've kept this hurt feeling for a very long time and nobody knows anything about the feeling I have.  I admit I am very possessive of all my things. When I buy something for myself, I make sure to take care of it so I never want other people to touch or use it since I experienced letting some friends or relatives use my things then when they return it, I can no longer use it. They never gave importance to it since they didn't buy it- it is not theirs.

When My second daughter was born, I decided not to go and live with them again because I know I would be chased out like a dog. Besides, I have a place to stay.  At those times I just gave birth, I never was able to take a rest. I had to do the house chores. I clean the house, need to do the laundry, take care of the kids, and others. I was really very distressed since I gave birth vis Caesarian Section and I was never taken care of. On the other hand, my partner was there working and after-work drinking party. After being drunk, he would come home and abuse me- sexually abuse me. Every time he comes home from work drunk no matter how sick and tired I am he always gets what he wants. He doesn't care whether I am sick or tired. When he goes out, he would say I always take care of my family. Take care, when? how?

Ever since I was young, I always have experienced a lot of storms in my life. I wanted to give up but I don't know why I just can't. There is no one to take care of me and my kids. I have to rely on my own. I emersed myself at work, yes, I worked 16 hours every day so I can forget all the troubles I have.  Until now, I can still remember going to work having a blackened eye because I fought with him. I told him what I have in mind but he made me feel so small. After everything he has done, he has the habit of saying sorry, but he would do it again and again.  I am just a human and I also get tired of everything. Once is enough, twice is too much. 😢😢😢

The Misery Starts

I have never thought of getting married. I just wanted to have a child; however, because of being a foolish person, I was trapped in a life that has made me fall into a deeper depression. After the marriage, I thought I would be free from everything; but it was a mistake. The person whom I thought was my ticket to freedom was a fake. He was the cause of why my family was shattered even more.  Because of him, I was accused and hated by my parents just because of money. A sum of money that I even haven't seen or touched.  I was poisoned. Ever since I was young, I never had a complete family so I tried my best to hold onto someone whom I never imagined was more talkative than a woman.  

He talks a lot. He has stepped on my dignity, my whole being. He thinks he is perfect. He says he admits his mistakes but then when he gets drunk, he would stab you again and again.  He has never been considerate of how I  or my parents feel to think that his family is very religious.  He drinks, he smokes, and speaks without any respect for me nor my parents. In front of people, he speaks nicely but when there is nobody around he would curse people.  He looks down on me, though I know I am just a second hand I told him everything about my past. he said, he accepted it but he makes me feel the opposite.  

He and his parents have been urging me again and again to give him a child and I did.  I had our firstborn on December 10 of 2010. I named her Arhiannah Nhemybelle. I gave her this name taken from the names of our parents and our name. It is quite a long one since I wanted her to be patient.  I've got my broken heart once again when my baby girl got sick. The words he said to me was stuck in my heart until now.  We didn't have enough money at that time but I asked him to buy even just an ordinary milk for our daughter. All he said was " I don't have money! Why don't you just get my eyes out and sell it!"   I was so hurt with those rejections. I wasn't asking money for me, I was asking him to buy milk for our daughter but that was all he said; however, when it comes to wine or cigar-he did have money to buy.

I was hurt, really really hurt. I pity my daughter so much but I was helpless. I have no one to help me, I have no one to run to,  I got nothing since I had to stop working.  Again depression has swallowed me whole but he never cared about it. He never thought why I suddenly don't talk much, why I just keep quiet, why I started not to care that much.  I forgot myself. I forgot everything about me. Then here comes our second daughter. On January 5th, 2012, I gave birth to our second daughter.  I was lucky she is a healthy baby girl. I thought he would change but it seems like it was only a dream.  Instead of being happy, he was complaining about why I gave birth to a girl.  What can I do? I'm not a magician that can change something into another.  

Seeing him not being able to handle our financial matters, I decided to look for a job. I was able to get a job after 3 months of giving birth.  Yes, I started working -thus it was the beginning why my kids started to be distant from me. He worked as a garbage collector so we had to hire a nanny for our kids. He called in the lady who used to work for us when we had a small business in the city but then, we still lack finance. Then he called his cousin from the province that was the time I started working in another company and I got enough salary to support the family.  I gave him all I've got. I thought he was giving the salary of his cousin, only to find out that he didn't when his cousin was asking me for her salary.  I was devasted. I've been working so hard, where did he put the money. where is his salary from the local government? ☹️☹️☹️☹️

Life must Go On

After all those years, life must go on. I tried living my life from scratch.  No matter what I hear and feel. I have been living my life like a living dead. More night outs with my best friends. Meeting more people meeting new friends, meeting new men.

Here comes the new life. It was one summertime during the sports festival in my mom's hometown. I joined the volleyball team with my best friends.  There I met my student's eldest brother.  We are all friends. No problem.

One time, I went out with Harriese to meet one of my former students at a bar[that student was over-aged for an elementary]. There, we again met my now life partner. At first, we were just joking. He said, "I love you." So I said O, I love you too. That all started a new relationship. I never thought that he was serious about it. It was a whirlwind romance though I wasn't sure if I really love him.  We were drunk so I didn't take his words to the heart. However, I realized that he was serious when he came to the house and talked to my parents.  From that moment, it turned so fast that after 3 months of knowing each other, we got married.

Everything was good. We had fun. Months went by and I felt like it was only a dream. I was thankful because he accepted me and the mistakes I did in the past. He said, he understood. Due to those past relationships, I couldn't give my 100% trust. I was too scared to trust, love, and fail again.  We had a lot of fights at the beginning because I don't back down whenever we had arguments. We dated though we were married. We go here and there. 

This is me, 16 years ago [Part 3]

Life took a sharp turn when the author's mother was rushed to the hospital, leading to an unexpected school transfer. This change, though bittersweet, brought unexpected benefits—no transportation costs, no allowance worries, and better academic performance. However, it came at a price: she had to abandon her Science and Health major in favor of English. Her perseverance paid off, earning her the presidency of the English club. Just when she thought she had established a steady path, love threw her into turmoil, unraveling her hard-earned stability like a fragile thread.

Falling in love proved to be the beginning of her deepest struggles. Her relationship was met with harsh resistance from family and friends, leaving her isolated and cut off from the ones she trusted most. The emotional toll became unbearable, leading to a heartbreaking moment when she attempted to end her suffering. In the depths of despair, she lost everything—love, family, friendships, and the sense of self she once had. The pain of losing two pregnancies only intensified her longing for a fresh start.

Seeking to rebuild her life, she transferred to another university, but the shadows of depression followed closely behind. Battling sleepless nights and relentless nightmares, she sought help at a mental health clinic while juggling academics. At Baguio Central University, she embraced change, forging new friendships—even with her ex’s cousins. Determined to rise above her past, she threw herself into clubs, studies, and even joined the cheering squad despite doubts about her physical ability. Her unwavering resolve led her to finally earn her degree.

After becoming a teacher and passing the Licensure Examination for Teachers, she believed success was within reach, only for policy changes to crush her hopes. Amidst uncertainty, she found comfort in her best friend, Harriese, who stood by her side through nights of drinking, dancing, and singing. Romantic encounters came and went, but her family's disapproval no longer held power over her. Through volunteer work and bartending, she learned that love often carried hidden motives. This realization marked a turning point—she stopped believing in love, refusing to be trapped in the same cycle again.

As her volunteer work ended, she ventured into selling clothing, gaining financial independence for the first time. A new relationship with a seemingly bold man emerged, but his true intentions became clear—he sought personal gain rather than genuine commitment. Defying her mother’s expectations, she carved her own path, only to find herself once more facing an unplanned pregnancy and a partner unworthy of responsibility. With unwavering determination, she walked away, refusing to fall for illusions again. Despite all the hardships, one truth remained—life must go on.

This is me, 16 years ago [Part 2]

A university freshman...

My university was known as Baguio Colleges Foundation at that time but now, it is known as the University of the Cordilleras.  

That was the University I have chosen after having an agreement with my mom. I wanted to be a policewoman because I have seen a lot of crimes around me as I grew up as a child. I saw a lot of pick pocketers, robbers, hold uppers, police brutality, and abuse of authority by the rich and foolish officials. I wanted to clean them up but my mom said, " you, policewoman- I don't like, it's dangerous. It's better for you to take up education. I would like you to teach children. If you don't, better look for a job and support yourself."  I was devastated at that time because my dreams were shattered. IT hurt me most because it was my mom who has destroyed it. I tried to tell her, okay I will take up architecture or engineering since I have a passion for drawing and designing. But again, she said " I don't have money! Those courses are very expensive!" Again, I was really hurt and lost.   My mom didn't give me any options. She wanted me to take up an Education and study at the public university.  I didn't want to go to that university since I have a lot of relatives and friends studying there. I want to isolate my self from those relatives. I want to start afresh so I made a deal with my mom. I'm going to take up the course of her choice but I will decide where to study. I've chosen to study at Baguio Colleges University.

My 2 years there were really very nice. It is where I met my first boyfriend.  Well, maybe we can say boyfriend.  I made a lot of friends. I learned to smoke and have fun. most of my friends were male. Though I managed to make some girlfriends but boyfriends stand out the most for me. I loved being with the boys. why? They can keep secrets. When there is an activity that I have to go home late, they serve as my bodyguard and send me home safe and sound.  However, after those exciting years, horrendous things started to haunt me. After my debut, I don't know what happened. I admitted to a guy that I liked him. And that is the start of me being distant to my mom.  I still clearly remember that day. It was our final exams but I couldn't attend it since I rushed my mom to the hospital.  The bad luck has started.  

I fell in love with the wrong person[perhaps but at hat time, it was like heaven when we were together.] I got pregnant but since I was still too young, I had a miscarriage. Things have continued, my relationship with that man started to get worse. Everything is really going bad to worst. I've left the house since my dad came back after 18 years and that added to my burden. I wanted to marry the man who made me pregnant but because of my dad's conditions, we can't. So we moved out, however, that was the start of the cross I'm carrying up to now.  If he only told me, he doesn't want me anymore then I wouldn't push more. I only wanted someone to love me as I am but then he found someone else. I again got pregnant for the second time but to the stress I have for everything that is happening in my surroundings, again, I lost my precious one. So, we parted at the worst time. And I was left with so much wound, depressed until such time of wanting to end my life.

This is Me, 16 years ago[Part 1]

I'm gonna start this blog with this entry.  This is me, 16 years ago. 4 years before this ID picture was taken, there were so many horrible things that happened to me. But let's start during the time that made me this way.

I was an only child and I grew up with my mom.  From 3 years old, I already started to learn about life. Together with my mom, I experienced having nothing. This was the time when my mom and dad separated because of unknown reasons. As a child, I never asked why and I never asked where my dad is.  As of now, all I can remember is that it was like I am a ball most especially during holidays or summer vacations. I was like a ball in the sense that, from time to time, my relatives from my father's side come visit my mom and ask her if they could bring me to Manila.  As I child, I was excited to see and learn about new things. At first, it was really nice and amazing.  We go to the zoo, we go shopping, we go to a resort, star city, and others. However, as I grow up, little by little it seems like a responsibility for me so the communication will not stop.  

There was a time when my grandfather was sick and the adults were talking about it.  The adults might not remember it but I still can remember it clearly as it always rings in my memory when I think of the old days.  One of my aunts told me: "if something happens to your grandfather, it is your fault."  From that time, I realized, I wasn't really welcomed there. I told myself, why me?  What did I do? I was just there to visit and have time with my grandparents, with my relatives. I didn't ask them to let my mom go with them during vacations.  Why am I blamed for everything?

When I came back home to Baguio City, I told my mom about it. So, my mom decided not to let me go there anymore.  When I was in 2nd-year high school, I called them and one of my aunts answered my call. She just said without any feelings[I guess] your grandfather is gone. She told me that my grandfather has been gone for a long time. What? And they never told sent me any letter or news? What kind of people are they? They are so cruel. After hearing that bad news. I never got in contact with them and I never visited them again... until one day when I was a university freshman, the youngest sister of my dad came to visit.  She came and ask me to go visit my cousins and other relatives.  That was the last time I got to visit them.