The One and Only Boy

March 17, 2017- This was the day my one and only boy was born.  If not for my health insurance and some of my colleague's help, I would not be able to pay for my bills.

Realization

During the time we stayed at his parent's house after giving birth to my eldest daughter, I have learned that they really never accepted me. They just got everything from me, my possessions, and after they got everything, his sister told, me" when are you going back home?" What the ---? I just gave birth. I thought I was going to be able to take a rest but no. I've got a lot more things to do.  So I told his sister " don't ask me about that because it was your brother's idea to come and stay with you for a while."  

I couldn't imagine that I was being chased out that easily. I've kept this hurt feeling for a very long time and nobody knows anything about the feeling I have.  I admit I am very possessive of all my things. When I buy something for myself, I make sure to take care of it so I never want other people to touch or use it since I experienced letting some friends or relatives use my things then when they return it, I can no longer use it. They never gave importance to it since they didn't buy it- it is not theirs.

When My second daughter was born, I decided not to go and live with them again because I know I would be chased out like a dog. Besides, I have a place to stay.  At those times I just gave birth, I never was able to take a rest. I had to do the house chores. I clean the house, need to do the laundry, take care of the kids, and others. I was really very distressed since I gave birth vis Caesarian Section and I was never taken care of. On the other hand, my partner was there working and after-work drinking party. After being drunk, he would come home and abuse me- sexually abuse me. Every time he comes home from work drunk no matter how sick and tired I am he always gets what he wants. He doesn't care whether I am sick or tired. When he goes out, he would say I always take care of my family. Take care, when? how?

Ever since I was young, I always have experienced a lot of storms in my life. I wanted to give up but I don't know why I just can't. There is no one to take care of me and my kids. I have to rely on my own. I emersed myself at work, yes, I worked 16 hours every day so I can forget all the troubles I have.  Until now, I can still remember going to work having a blackened eye because I fought with him. I told him what I have in mind but he made me feel so small. After everything he has done, he has the habit of saying sorry, but he would do it again and again.  I am just a human and I also get tired of everything. Once is enough, twice is too much. 😢😢😢

The Misery Starts

I have never thought of getting married. I just wanted to have a child; however, because of being a foolish person, I was trapped in a life that has made me fall into a deeper depression. After the marriage, I thought I would be free from everything; but it was a mistake. The person whom I thought was my ticket to freedom was a fake. He was the cause of why my family was shattered even more.  Because of him, I was accused and hated by my parents just because of money. A sum of money that I even haven't seen or touched.  I was poisoned. Ever since I was young, I never had a complete family so I tried my best to hold onto someone whom I never imagined was more talkative than a woman.  

He talks a lot. He has stepped on my dignity, my whole being. He thinks he is perfect. He says he admits his mistakes but then when he gets drunk, he would stab you again and again.  He has never been considerate of how I  or my parents feel to think that his family is very religious.  He drinks, he smokes, and speaks without any respect for me nor my parents. In front of people, he speaks nicely but when there is nobody around he would curse people.  He looks down on me, though I know I am just a second hand I told him everything about my past. he said, he accepted it but he makes me feel the opposite.  

He and his parents have been urging me again and again to give him a child and I did.  I had our firstborn on December 10 of 2010. I named her Arhiannah Nhemybelle. I gave her this name taken from the names of our parents and our name. It is quite a long one since I wanted her to be patient.  I've got my broken heart once again when my baby girl got sick. The words he said to me was stuck in my heart until now.  We didn't have enough money at that time but I asked him to buy even just an ordinary milk for our daughter. All he said was " I don't have money! Why don't you just get my eyes out and sell it!"   I was so hurt with those rejections. I wasn't asking money for me, I was asking him to buy milk for our daughter but that was all he said; however, when it comes to wine or cigar-he did have money to buy.

I was hurt, really really hurt. I pity my daughter so much but I was helpless. I have no one to help me, I have no one to run to,  I got nothing since I had to stop working.  Again depression has swallowed me whole but he never cared about it. He never thought why I suddenly don't talk much, why I just keep quiet, why I started not to care that much.  I forgot myself. I forgot everything about me. Then here comes our second daughter. On January 5th, 2012, I gave birth to our second daughter.  I was lucky she is a healthy baby girl. I thought he would change but it seems like it was only a dream.  Instead of being happy, he was complaining about why I gave birth to a girl.  What can I do? I'm not a magician that can change something into another.  

Seeing him not being able to handle our financial matters, I decided to look for a job. I was able to get a job after 3 months of giving birth.  Yes, I started working -thus it was the beginning why my kids started to be distant from me. He worked as a garbage collector so we had to hire a nanny for our kids. He called in the lady who used to work for us when we had a small business in the city but then, we still lack finance. Then he called his cousin from the province that was the time I started working in another company and I got enough salary to support the family.  I gave him all I've got. I thought he was giving the salary of his cousin, only to find out that he didn't when his cousin was asking me for her salary.  I was devasted. I've been working so hard, where did he put the money. where is his salary from the local government? ☹️☹️☹️☹️